Grief & Loss 101

Like me, if you have not received much education on grief and how to support someone who is grieving, this post is for you. Even as a therapist who is supposed to know how to hold space for and aid in this process for others, I struggle with learning how to apply this to my own life circumstances. Lately, I feel like I see loss all around me.  Maybe it’s always been there; and yet it hadn’t had such an impact on me until I had experienced it on a deeply personal level.

The funny thing with grief is it looks different on everyone. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Though we have this very narrow societal understanding of what it “should” look like - shock, confusion, crying a lot. Grief is those things, but it is also so much more. Its brain fog, forgetting how to do the smallest, most menial tasks, physical pain, and feeling purposeless.

I’m sure ya’ll have heard of The 5 Stages of Grief (denial, anger, depression, bargaining, acceptance). My outlook on these has totally changed after experiencing acute loss and witnessing my partner and close friend experience their own. As stated quite frankly, the stages are bullshit. Grief does not neatly fit into the stages outlined in this model. Grief is not linear. Grief is not something that can be overcome or “gotten over.” It’s something that will be with the bereaved always, something they will learn to carry with them for the rest of their days. This is the reality of grief. 

This leads me to my next point - the way you support a grieving person is monumentally essential to their healing process. Platitudes, toxic positivity, and future-focused statements are extremely dismissive and invalidating of the ever-present reality of that person’s loss in the here and now. Fight the urge to say such things. Really try to sit with them in whatever they feel or express without attempting to change or persuade them to feel differently. Instead of asking them what they need from you, offer specific ways you can be there for them or offer help; such as bringing them food, taking their pet for a walk, or helping them clean their house by completing tasks “okayed,” by the bereaved. Removing certain items from their home might have an emotional significance that you’re not aware of. Also, don’t take it personally if they turn down your offers. This is their process; not yours. Continue showing up and letting them know you are there, and that you care for them. 

Here are some tips that I have found to help my own personal experiences with easing the emotional toll of grief and offering small moments of peace. Write or journal when you feel called to do so; even if it’s just a word or phrase. If it feels safe, recall past memories you shared with your person in the presence of a trusted friend or family member. Say your person’s name aloud. Look at photos, watch videos, or listen to voicemails from your person. Make a plan to celebrate special events such as birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays. Memorialize your loss in a way that speaks to you. 

Lastly, but most importantly, not least, it’s okay not to be okay. 

For more resources on grief, check out https://refugeingrief.com/